More Possible Celebrity Threats. EVERYBODY PANIC!

Madonna

You've probably heard by now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have taken a permanent trip to splitsville. What you may not have known is that Guy Ritchie left her because Madonna began showing symptoms of zombification. And because she's kind of crazy. However, the fact remains that The Material Girl seems to be decomposing into some strange mess of muscle and skin flaps, and has started to randomly moan "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains" during performances. Avoid her at all costs until we can safely evaluate her condition.

Dane Cook

As previously mentioned, a new strain of the Z-Gene, known as the Rage Virus, has been unleashed on the general public. While there have been few recorded cases thus far, it seems to have infected "comedian" Dane Cook. While there is not much known about the Virus thus far, Dane Cook's constant movement and yelling are believed to be indicative of infection. There is also the matter of the self-cannibalisation, where he chewed off several fingers in order to have a permanent "Shocker". This either demonstrates clear zombie-habits, or utter stupidity.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Since its discovery earlier this month, reported cases of Stoopi-D-T have been popping up across the US. Most notably, Elizabeth Hasselback, a former Survivor Cast-Off, has been diagnosed with the virus. However, she appears benign, and has been contained for the past several years for entertainment purposes (editor's note: "entertainment" used very loosely) on "The View".