Threat Advisory: Celebrity Watch
by Jeremy FeistWhile we are all aware of Joshua Jackson's zombification, it seems that the Z-Gene has spread to a few other famous figures while we weren't looking. We here at Zombie Forecast ask you to keep your guard up around the following celebrities until we can accurately assess their condition. Or until Nicolae can put a piece of hot lead between their eyes. Whichever comes first, really.
Amy Winehouse
The thin frame, the pasty skin, the incomprehensible speech, the jerky movement...all these are symptoms of a possible zombification. Recent reports suggest that Ms. Winehouse may have contracted the Z-Gene while on a bender in London sometime last month, and that the gene has remained dormant due to the amount of alcohol in her blood. However, until a GAZA operative can be sent to her location in order to analyze the situation, we would remind everyone to please keep Amy well fed, sober and under quarantine.
The Jonas Brothers
Although technically speaking, they were never really human to begin with, it appears the cellular structure of this genetic clusterfuck is deteriorating at an alarming rate. Unfortunately, it appears that experiment jb-28dl (a.k.a. The Jonas Brothers) was contaminated by an experimental anti-zombie warfare chemical code named the Rage Virus. At the current rate of cellular deterioration, if the Jonas Brothers are not quarantined within the week, not only will the zombification process be complete, but it will create a new breed of ultra-violent, high-speed zombie, incapable of feeling pain, driven entirely by the desire to snack on delicious, delicious brains.
Tobey Maguire
This one may actually already be a zombie. Recent cinematic performances suggest Maguire may have been infected sometime during the production of Spider-man 3. To date, there have been few incidents involving Maguire, though his attack on Joan Rivers during the 2008 Academy Awards Red Carpet Ceremony indicates that Tobey may soon become increasingly violent (Ms. Rivers survived the attack due to her taste in cosmetic surgery). For the time being, please avoid Maguire at all costs, and if you encounter him, please take all necessary precautions by either crossing the street or destroying his brain.
Amy Winehouse
The thin frame, the pasty skin, the incomprehensible speech, the jerky movement...all these are symptoms of a possible zombification. Recent reports suggest that Ms. Winehouse may have contracted the Z-Gene while on a bender in London sometime last month, and that the gene has remained dormant due to the amount of alcohol in her blood. However, until a GAZA operative can be sent to her location in order to analyze the situation, we would remind everyone to please keep Amy well fed, sober and under quarantine.The Jonas Brothers
Although technically speaking, they were never really human to begin with, it appears the cellular structure of this genetic clusterfuck is deteriorating at an alarming rate. Unfortunately, it appears that experiment jb-28dl (a.k.a. The Jonas Brothers) was contaminated by an experimental anti-zombie warfare chemical code named the Rage Virus. At the current rate of cellular deterioration, if the Jonas Brothers are not quarantined within the week, not only will the zombification process be complete, but it will create a new breed of ultra-violent, high-speed zombie, incapable of feeling pain, driven entirely by the desire to snack on delicious, delicious brains.
Tobey Maguire
This one may actually already be a zombie. Recent cinematic performances suggest Maguire may have been infected sometime during the production of Spider-man 3. To date, there have been few incidents involving Maguire, though his attack on Joan Rivers during the 2008 Academy Awards Red Carpet Ceremony indicates that Tobey may soon become increasingly violent (Ms. Rivers survived the attack due to her taste in cosmetic surgery). For the time being, please avoid Maguire at all costs, and if you encounter him, please take all necessary precautions by either crossing the street or destroying his brain.
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