Citizen, Arm Thyself

Greetings, weaklings. I have been informed that some of you have only gone so far as to stock up on food and medical supplies for the impending zombie apocalypse. Wake up, people! These things are a waste of time! If you need medical supplies, you're zombie food or bait. If you have food, it means you are stationary and refusing to move, thus making you still sitting bait. On top of that your food supply will attract other survivors of the zombie armageddon. You must focus on weapons! Weapons allow you to stop zombies from getting close enough to infect you as well as getting humans to willingly hand over the food and medical supplies they are so selfishly hoarding! Get out your notepad and your Hello Kitty pen, and take notes! Or copy/paste if you're a lazy sod like some of the people on this site. Such as I who took about two or so weeks to type this crap...I mean, report up.

The weapon I recommend most highly is the Austrian Steyr Assault Rifle. It's light, and the rounds do more than enough damage to zombie brains to stop them completely, and whatever humans you use them on will get enough organ damage from the bullet velocity that they will never again try to avoid sharing their supplies with you.

Otherwise I find the SIG SG550 Series to work well all around. You see it is generally found as a semiautomatic sniper rifle. There are military versions which can go full auto, but if you need full auto against the zombies, it's too late and you may stop reading now because they ARE ALREADY BEHIND YOU!!! Just kidding. But seriously, this rifle works quite well, particularly in urban settings. Most magazines carry 30 rounds, and the magazines are semi-transparent to easily ascertain how many rounds you have left. The 5.56X45mm NATO rounds are pretty easy to find. While this is great in most settings if you are on your own, you may find yourself in a situation where you have to worry about penetration. If this is the case, you are a sucker. You should only be worrying about yourself. But as our illustrious leader has demanded I cover other possibilities, I guess I'll advise your sissy wanna-be hero ass on this as well.

If you meet the above labels I guess you're probably running around with an AR-15, and thinking you're some Special Forces guy. Nevermind that it shoots up and to the right when on full auto, but whatever. You're probably just some weekend warrior loser who thinks he's Rambo if he could just pass that pesky ASVAB test. If you're carrying this, or another .223 firing rifle, you may want to look into purchasing Hornady TAPS ammunition. This stuff is great since the powder does not produce the usual muzzle flash, and is designed to penetrate neither people nor walls so those around you are safe. Also, you will maintain your night vision since the flash is minimal. Now you can all feel like you're playing Delta Force. Those of you who don't accidentally shoot the person you're trying to protect from the zombies, that is.

If you are taking on the zombies up close and personally, there is nothing that beats a sidearm. I know, I know. A bunch of you read about MP5s and 10s and think they're really really cool because a former Navy SEAL/CIA/ninja guy told you about them. In reality there's nothing better in an enclosed area such as a hallway than a sidearm since they are much more easily manipulated in these areas. If you are dealing with a scenario like this you will want firepower, and a good quantity of firepower. You with the Desert Eagle, put it down. You'll just tire yourself out carrying that heavy thing around, and it still won't give you more than eight shots if you kept one in the pipe you lack-of-personal-safety-concerned individual, you. If you like big holes in the head, I recommend the beloved .45 ACP. If you like large numbers without ridiculously extended clips sticking out your handle try the Para-Ordinance P-14. The high capacity clips carry 14 rounds each. 15 if you push it. Two clips and one in the initial pipe give you forty-five .45s. Nothing like matching numbers. I've also found that the dirtier they get, the better they function. If you like things to fire much more quickly and prefer a faster, sleeker round, you may prefer the Beretta 93R. This firearm can work in single or three-round bursts. If you look under the right handle and modify it, it is a fully automatic 9mm with up to thirty round extended clips.

If you find a nice fortress to hold up in and there are scores of zombies coming up, nothing will work better than a nice Mk-19 model 3. This fabulous piece of equipment is a fully automatic 40mm grenade launcher that will quickly eliminate any worries about the no-longer-able-to-approach zombies.

Should you prefer the scent of burnt ozone with your mass murder, may I remind those of you who may access them about DEWs? For those of you drooling to know what they are, they're Directed Energy Weapons which leave nothing behind except a hole in the last thing behind the target. The best is space-based, but there are ground-based versions. Here's an artist's rendition since actual photographs are still classified, and I would rather wait until after the zombie revolution to have my clearance as well as my existence yanked.

I know, I know. Many of you are well aware of many other weapons which you consider better, but I say go to hell you who claim the best weapon against zombies is the miniature marshmallow crossbow. Stop filling my e-mail with your lies about how the precise aiming of the marshmallow will plug up zombie nostrils and eventually their esophagus so they will suffocate to death. They're zombies, you're an idiot, and you will probably be the only survivor since you have no brains with which to placate them. May they feast on your intestines, you insufferable prankster.

Good luck with your preparations, good hunting, and God bless. See you after the invasion, because you will not see me.