Zombie Graveyard Party! (Or, The Basic Formula For A Zombie Survivor Group)

I'd like to make one thing clear: Life is not like Scooby-Doo. When freaky shit is coming to tear out your kidneys, YOU DO NOT FUCKING SPLIT UP. I cannot stress that one enough. You MUST be in a group. You don't need to know their names, although a vague description (i.e., "Guy with red hair", "Chick with the glasses", "Guy who dies first") would probably help. But who must you have in your caravan? Here's a quick guide.

#1: The Aryan Male AND Female


These people will be the only ones left alive. Their purpose is to bonk each other senseless until they have successfully repopulated the planet. They must be attractive (but not to the point of being unapproachable) and they must have short, American-sounding names. Blond hair and blue eyes are a plus, since zombies apparently hate the taste of these.


#2: Comic Relief

 

You will hate this person. Every moment they spend alive is another moment you spend praying for the sweet, icy embrace of death. They serve little purpose, other than to dispense the occasional one-liner. Thankfully, they are rarely fast runners. Therefore, you can probably just kick them in the shins and run like hell. They usually suffer the worst death, but unfortunately, they are very rarely the first to die.

#3: Skanky McSlutslut


You need this person. You MUST HAVE THIS PERSON. Why? You just do. Do they serve any purpose whatsoever? No. They will spend the majority of their time running around in high-heels and lingerie, despite the fact that it is 40 degrees out (or 4 degrees for us Canucks) and zombies are currently running at Kenyan speeds toward you. She will die first, but not before showing off her ta-tas.








#4: The Token Black Guy


He exists because movie producers are assholes. He represents cultures and viewpoints that differ from those of The Aryan Couple, which means he will die, quite possibly as a sacrifice. Because black people just loooooove to serve whitey. Bullshit.










#5: The Dissenter


If you are one of The Aryans, you will probably hate him. He is a lone wolf, an individual, despite the fact that he wears clothes for the labels and he only bought Feist's "The Reminder" after seeing the commercial (tool). He will always be the one to disagree with the plan, and he may or may not sell you down the river. And guess what? He dies too!

Remember, you must have at least one of each. One may blend into another, and, with the exception of The Aryans, you can always bring an extra.