More Possible Celebrity Threats. EVERYBODY PANIC!

Madonna

You've probably heard by now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have taken a permanent trip to splitsville. What you may not have known is that Guy Ritchie left her because Madonna began showing symptoms of zombification. And because she's kind of crazy. However, the fact remains that The Material Girl seems to be decomposing into some strange mess of muscle and skin flaps, and has started to randomly moan "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaains" during performances. Avoid her at all costs until we can safely evaluate her condition.

Dane Cook

As previously mentioned, a new strain of the Z-Gene, known as the Rage Virus, has been unleashed on the general public. While there have been few recorded cases thus far, it seems to have infected "comedian" Dane Cook. While there is not much known about the Virus thus far, Dane Cook's constant movement and yelling are believed to be indicative of infection. There is also the matter of the self-cannibalisation, where he chewed off several fingers in order to have a permanent "Shocker". This either demonstrates clear zombie-habits, or utter stupidity.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Since its discovery earlier this month, reported cases of Stoopi-D-T have been popping up across the US. Most notably, Elizabeth Hasselback, a former Survivor Cast-Off, has been diagnosed with the virus. However, she appears benign, and has been contained for the past several years for entertainment purposes (editor's note: "entertainment" used very loosely) on "The View".

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LASERs For Zombies!

Good news, boys and ghouls!  LASERs are now up and in production. If you're military, you'll get to play with these new toys earlier than everyone else. No longer just limited to terminal guidance, you can now render wonderful wounds (read: beheadings) upon the undead creatures hoping to rip you into bite-sized pieces, Shaun-of-the-Dead-style.

Stats are as follows:

• FIRESTRIKE(tm) Laser Features
• Power 15kW laser
• Beam Quality Nominally 1.5 times the diffraction limit
• Size Laser head - 12" x 23" x 40" (width, depth, height) Current source - 9" x 13" x 30"
• Runtime Continuous, as long as power and coolant are provided
• Instant Turn-on Zero to full power in less than 1/2 second
• Safety Remote operation, customer interlock access, internal safety sensors
• Control Common Command and Control (C2) systems and Ethernet interfaces
• Low Power Setting Provides nominally 100 watt alignment beam
• Weight 400 lbs per LRU
• Ruggedization Hardened LRUs with compact SSL technology engineered for mobility and field operations

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UNO HvZ Training Exercise

The UNO Honors Council will host the second annual Humans vs. Zombies event on Friday, November 21 from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. at the Friendship Circle, the picnic area between the Liberal Arts Building and the Biological Sciences Building.

Humans vs. Zombies is a game in which an infestation of zombies (usually starting with one or two people) runs rampant and tries to “contaminate” as many humans as possible. The humans must fight back, armed with Nerf guns and/or balled-up socks.

Participants are asked to bring Nerf guns and/or sock-missiles. For more information, contact Bethany Jones, UNO Honors Council Public Relations Officer.

This is an excellent training opportunity for those who wish to avoid becoming snack-packs for the living impaired.

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What Not To Wear Post Zombie Apocalypse

What the hell do you mean I'm supposed to write about clothing? Yeah, that falls under my specialization. Weaponry, armor, and... clothing? Argh. Fine. [Editor's note: That's right; you'll do what I tell you and you'll LIKE IT, because I am Empress of Everything in this joint. And also because you love me. -Sarah]

What the hell are you staring at? So I guess I'll be making a few statements about clothing now. Anyway, here goes. The most important word you can ever use when it comes to clothing is layers. Layers are key no matter what. Once the zombie apocalypse comes you never know where you will be, or what the weather will be like. It's usually best to keep layers of warm clothes on and a thin waterproof jacket usually helps to keep out the rain. Breathable natural fibers are best. They allow excess moisture to escape from the body without being retained and leading to rashes and the like. If you're in a hot place it will continue to absorb this moisture. If you're in a cold climate added layers will protect you from the cold, and may be removed if you are on the move, and this is very important since the perspiration would later freeze on you. Let me tell you folks, it's not as much fun as it sounds. Being able to snap frozen hairs off your body is only amusing for the first few times. After that, you begin to worry about the rather blue patches of skin you have.

The light jacket is useful in many different situations. If you need to carry extra water, you can tie the sleeves and fill them with water. If you're worried about animals getting to your food you can roll/tie your jacket full of food and tie it to a branch out of reach. The jacket (if it's well made) may be used to assist you in climbing. It helps to be able to shimmy up a telephone pole or a difficult to climb tree. If you haven't noticed the zombies don't usually look up. Up can be a great place to be. All you stoners, this is not the same as wandering around high. Up and high are not the same. While your staggering steps may be mistaken for a zombie gait, you asking where the nearest 7/11 is so there you may wend and buy a monster sized bag of Munchies will likely give you away.

One jacket I'm particularly fond if is the SigTac concealed coat. Before the impending doomworks begin, this is great for carrying anything you need to conceal. Weapons for extraordinary renditions, carrying supplies without filling your hands in case you stumble upon a zombie colony, or simply bringing in food to the movies. I mean honestly, eight bucks for a pack of Goobers? Are they kidding? Don't get me wrong, the lady that introduced me to the joys of raisinettes in your popcorn should have patented the idea from her daughter's mistake, but good Lord. In the theater that's about a $20 snack not including the beverage! Also useful are the camelbacks and sneaky sippers to keep your hands free. Oh yeah, the jacket's also padded which comes in handy when things get hairy. Side note, internal holsters are also good for holding beverages.

It's best not to wear shorts because then your legs look like a little hens wearing those weird little booties chefs seem to enjoy putting on snacks. This will attract zombie attention, and may also lead to your being mistaken for Richard Simmons. Either way, this could put your life in danger. Tight jeans may be an issue since they restrict some movement. Sweats are nice and loose, but they aren't good for avoiding minor scrapes in rough situations. Loose jeans are good since they are tough enough to help avoid scrapes and scratches, and allow freedom of movement. This may not be popular, but I find the best are khakis. They are good for movement, avoiding scrapes (read: not having open wounds which may lead to infection), and some are stain guarded to the point fluids may not penetrate. All good functions.

As for shoes, lose the shoes. Try some boots. They last longer, and provide great ankle support. The support is important in uneven terrain. Also, it's a place to keep things such as keys so that you don't lose them while running for your life. The zombies won't remove them when they suddenly reach through a window and you run off after casting off your shirt like they do in so many movies. Also, your boot won't randomly fall off, or break a heal like in most zombie/horror/slasher films. This is very important if you're a blonde, busty girl who makes a habit of running around in her underwear while trying to escape death. Another great thing is when they're waterproof you don't get soggy feet when running through puddles.

Semper ubi, sub ubi. Underwear. Wear it. There's nothing worse than a zipper working its way through your nether region or snagging pubic hairs while you're trying to make a mad dash for your life. That moment you freeze to wince in pain may be the moment preceding the wince coming from a zombie chewing on your ear.

If you're a girl leave the cute stuff behind. Your chest will hurt if you're running around bouncing all over the place while looking for safety. If you really need your cute undies, keep them in your pockets or something for a rainy day. Unless you have a sick lover, don't wear zombie panties. Remember, those are the killers.

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Protection. It Isn't Just Condoms Anymore!

Hello boys and girls. I'm back to talk to you about the oh so important area of body armor. The important thing to remember here is that armor is generally task specific. It is designed for certain jobs, and others not stated are not implied. I wouldn't want you all to wind up like the idiots in Russia years ago who forgot that a bullet proof vest does not always defend you from stab wounds. Case in point:

Unfortunately, most armor companies do not have the foresight to design zombie proof armor. This means you may do one of two things. You can stay safe by investing in shark proof armor so the bastards can't bite you, or you can be an inventive imbecile and try saving money by wrapping yourself in a layer of tinfoil. I'll give you a hint, folks. The latter will prevent the aliens from reading your thoughts, but you might as well baste yourself with butter and marinate in it for a bit as a gift to the zombies, because they're biting right through that, you moron.

Good news for military personnel. Some of you, anyway. If you are still being issued the plated armor with the hotel alpha zip cords, you're ready for both human and living-impaired elements. Keep the plates when dealing with people, and when the zombies show up, yank the cord, lighten your load, and get out of Dodge.

If you're looking for a pretty good armor I recommend Dragon Skin. I know, I know. It wasn't good enough for the U.S. Army to replace the Interceptor armor. However, it is good enough for certain SMUs and for plenty special activity boys to play with in the sand box.



Point Blank is another good company. Using the plates works pretty well with cutting down on impact, and doesn't always knock the wind out of you so you can still run with everybody else.

If you don't mind wandering around while pushing a little something else you may want to try using a Mobile Defensive Fighting Position Shield. While this may remind some of you of grandpa's walker, it has wheels so you can move it about without holding up like a handheld riot shield. Of course, if you want to keep wandering around playing undercover executive, you could always continue with the briefcase inserts. You'll be about as lucky having that as Michael Keaton was in the first Batman movie. I still say he was the best Batman, but they keep tossing these pretty boys in the suits. I don't get it. I mean the last time those boys wore latex outfits they were on their knees with the producers earning a spot in front of a camera that wasn't handheld and uploading a straight feed to YouPorn. But, I digress.

For those of you who like to run after Ren Faires and the like, you'll be happy to know your hippy asses can use that chain metal, and yes, your gay looking boyfriend with the pony tail can also dress as a knight since the zombies can't actually bite him no matter how much he begs them to. May they bite their tongue's and spit their infected blood through his faceguard and infect him.

I would personally recommend the new shark proof wetsuit since it could preven the zombies from breaking the skin, and keep fluids from being transmitted. And if we're lucky the shark shocker wetsuit will be available prior to the zombie onslaught. That's right boys and ghouls, if the shark or zombie bites you, the biter gets electrocuted. Cute, eh?

Well, you've all wasted enough of my time today. I don't even know why I do this. May you all be devoured from your toes upward, and not have the pleasure of them devouring your squishy bits. Farewell.

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New Strain Of Zombie Gene Found In California, Arkansas, Florida and Arizona

This is an urgent message to all readers in the states of California, Arkansas, Florida and Arizona. On November 4th, a new and incredibly dangerous strain of the zombie gene was discovered in those four states.

The Gene is known as Stoopi-D-T, named after it's owner, Drake Thomas Stoopi. Stoopi-D-T seems to effect not only the brain, but the heart as well. Warning signs of Stoopi-D-T include Massive discharges of bile and fecal matter from the mouth, irrational paranoia, inability to think independently, and nonsensical, repetitive babbling.

The most troubling aspect of Stoopi-D-T is that in all four states in which it has been found, over 50% of the population is infected with Stoopi-D-T. In fact, 52% of Californians have been diagnosed with severe Stoopi-D-T.

How can you protect yourself? Well, it is important to remember that those with Stoopi-D-T are dead on the inside and the out. While those with Stoopi-D-T don't look any different from regular people, the symptoms are fairly obvious, and if confronted with someone with Stoopi-D-T, it is reccomended that you do not hesitate to eliminate those with the disease. If you encounter someone with Stoopi-D-T, it is imperative that you destroy both of the infected sites: The brain and the heart.

I repeat, when faced with someone with severe Stoopi-D-T, destroy the brain and heart, since they are obviously completely useless once infected.

However, GAZA lab researchers are currently looking into possible cures for Stoopi-D-T. Only time will tell if society can create a cure for Stoopi-D-T.

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Barack Obama Can Save Your Life

Well kids, today is the dawn of a new era.  For the first time in more than a generation, there appears to be real hope for a cure to the zombie scourge, and that the undead Armageddon is not, in fact, inevitable.  It turns out that getting spanked by Barack Obama in a presidential election can actually restore the humanity of one who had tragically fallen to the ranks of the living-impaired.

John McCain was more gracious, personable and inspiring in his concession speech last night than he's been in at least two or three years.  It was pretty clear that he is once again in possession of his sentience.  He was well-spoken, genuinely moving, and seemed completely sincere:

The events of yesterday and last night have fundamentally altered the landscape of not only America, but the world as a whole. We as a people saw evidence that there is a way back to your consciousness after it had seemed lost forever, and the shockwave of joy rocketed all the way around the planet:



President-Elect Obama appears to be no fool, however. He seems fully aware that we are still hip-deep in shit, and that this battle against the brain-eating zombie apocalypse is by no means over. His stirring speech was both bold and confident, but did not naïvely gloss over the fact that we're facing a hell of a fight:



Still, despite the long road ahead of us, there is real optimism beginning to return that your fate is never sealed, even after infection by the undead. Bask in the incandescent glow emanating from this groundswell of hope, people. Delight in the fact that, in light of this revelation, the Threat Level has been lowered to Guarded!

It's not quite 7:30am CST, but celebratory days don't have to follow any pussified rules.  You go right ahead and do a couple shots with your breakfast.  Just take cabs or the bus wherever you need to go today.  Hell, you could probably physically ride the wave of euphoria around.  Drink up, everyone!  I, as ever, recommend tequila!

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